Continuing conversations,
between the pauses and the blank spaces.
To engulf the void that has crawled its way in,
I mutter something to fill in the stretch,
Suddenly realising that time has passed by
While I shake my self, which was in denial.

I think my whole concept and idea about love is heavily guided by a longing for a fragment, which is perhaps present, between the various synapses of my brain cells. It could be a fragment of my imagination or the countless people I see being overwhelmingly(to the point of nauseating) in love that I see or encounter in my life through various forms be it books/movies or just every day altering reality. 
Having never had a functional romantic relationship till date, there is this immense sense of confusion and bewilderment when it comes to love and what it actually entails.
Being an overtly emotional person also doesn't help the cause. I have been told time and time again that I ponder too much about these things. Such things happen when one isn't expecting it, looking around for it and of course my favourite - when THE TIME is right. Screw you time, you have never been my friend.
I think I fall in love in a rush, an almost immediate feeling which leaves me bare boned. Startled that I stumble so soon, without even knowing how the person could be. In my head with their overwhelming smiles the whole battle is already won.
One of the purest rush that one can experience is when someone's smile brightens up your day, makes you feel happier overall. Yes I know that one shouldn't rely so much on someone else that it can change the course of your day, but these feelings are not controlled. They come in small triggers which runs it course through the entire epicentre, only to slowly engulf you in the frenzied tremors which sway you from one side to the other.
And you're left feeling overwhelmed,emotional,exhausted dealing with heart aches.

Five months ( well almost six months now) into the new year, a realisation kicks in that I've become a person who does not follow through on things which has inherently got to do with me aka personal goals/growth. In 2016 when the world is swarmed with people, where the "I" comes in much before the "Us", you would thank I would get the hang of things and behave accordingly, but no I live in a different parallel universe where such things come into focus only in dire situations.

For the last few weeks, well it could be months as well the time kind of seems a blur, I have been utterly confused and completely annoyed with myself and my surroundings without exactly knowing what triggered it.

Last week I realised or I am still trying to comprehend that the boy I love, will not feel for me the same way, which hurts tremendously and kind of reminds me of the only other person who I've felt such strong emotions for and that took me a long time to get over. And questions of why repeated patterns keep occurring in one's life come up. Perhaps I should completely switch off from this aspect of my life, but since I'm intrinsically a person for whom love plays a pivotal role in everyday existence it is really difficult to do so.

Perhaps maybe break away from all the bad habits which lead to toxicity in my brain and life would help. Now to just finding what the solution is.

Well birthday month has almost commenced along with a sense of weariness. Another year has gone by with very little promises kept and very little sense of achievement.

Lately I've been noticing that I have been writing very little on my blog and just writing angsty angry posts, which has led to be a ground for thriving negativity. But I want to work around that.

I want to get a tattoo before my birthday beckons. It's a few words from a song by Moushumi Bhowmick. The words go like "কোথায় শান্তি পাব কোথায় গিয়ে" , which I think pretty much sums up the quintessential question for existence.

This song is playing in a loop in my head. https://soundcloud.com/donnbhat/stars-align

He is quite good.

I wonder if I will ever be able to combat my weight issues. It's not like I have not tried. I have. The quarter runs, some half hearted measures, also the rare occasions of full determination after periods of self loathing and  extreme dissatisfaction. But to no avail, I end up putting on more than I ever shed. Some how through the formative years I never realised I was a whale in a world ruled by sharks. So at the beginning of this year I made a plan of sorts to start working out on a more regular basis than I have ever done in the past. Well as resolutions go, I ended up breaking it in the first month itself.
Here I am now almost at the end of second month with excessive baggage and conflicting mine fields exploding at random quarters of my brain.
So on the 26th of February, I solemnly swear that I need to reduce from the quintal that I have become. It means that I need to stop the excessive eating out and start having healthy dinners than binge eating as the munchies kicks in.
In less than a month is my birthday. I need to work out so I lose some amount of weight that I have been struggling to get rid off. I think in a way it is linked to my mental health which severely gets derailed because of lack of self confidence.
So it begins.

So I just got done with watching the entire series of The OC again for the third or the fourth time. I just can't recall the exact number now, but with each viewing there is this nostalgic longing for something which I can't exactly pinpoint to. 
It sounds a little silly that a woman in her early twenties relates to the angst and passion of the teens from the Newport beach, but I do. Very much so.
There is something about the various relationships between the characters which draws me to it and it some how becomes an emotional sponge for whatever phase I am going through.

"Summer, you're a great girl. And the world deserves to know you. You deserve it too. Don't settle for comfortable." - Julie Cooper

So here I am fifteen days into the new year, hardly living up to my new years resolutions or hardly living up each day?
But there can always be a start, right?

2015, be good. Very good.

Well with the beginning of the year there are always those resolutions that are broken by the end of the month. It has occurred in the past and it might occur again. 

But I want to firmly want to achieve the following goals before the end of the year beckons.

• Lose weight. Like seriously. I feel like a love child of a walrus and panda. Let's not get into the dynamics of how that could be possible but I seriously need to start working out.  And I want to lose a considerable amount of weight before my birthday and of course a lot more by the end of the year. Want to document it for myself and see how far I've come across in achieving my goal.
• Write more often. In bits of paper. in the notes section of the phone. anywhere. but continue writing. and start writing the script I want to write about. 
• STOP PROCRASTINATING.  Yes this is going to be the thing to beat this year.
• Read more. 
• See what I eat.
• Take photographs. Why have I stopped taking photographs is beyond me.
• Watch more films.
• Love oneself. And take one day at a time.
• Be a little less cranky.
• Explore more places in Mumbai
• Travel, whenever I can.
• Believe in myself. Because that is the last thing I do.

And lastly but most importantly say goodbye to mood swings and depression.

 

2015 be kind.